my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
