my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize