she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you still have your period?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize