why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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