I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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