He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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