I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
