He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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