Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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