Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
