my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
