just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
