walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
