she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
