meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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