I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
