you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
pop tarts are not kleenex
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
