new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
