1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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