I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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