She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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