so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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