haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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