My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
