Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
