do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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