The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
