Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
