I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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