Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
