every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
