I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
