the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
