90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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