my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
