I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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