Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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