I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize