So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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