my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
