Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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