Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize