she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
