Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We have so much sex to catch up on
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize