Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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