saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
