Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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