I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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