If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
