Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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