totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
