I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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