Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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