You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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