You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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