I'm so fucking centered right now
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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