my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize