I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Randomize
