He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
