oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
