This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize