Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
