He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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