When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
