Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
