May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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