I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I think im going to throw up on grandma
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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