I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
