I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
