Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
