Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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