Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
