Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize